What if?

  

The imagination is a cognitive milestone. Children are born with an imagination and when they reach toddler age, they begin to develop their imagination. “You can be the chef and I will be the waitress and Daddy can be the customer. Daddy, no that's not your sock, that's a hotdog I am serving you for dinner.” “No, that coat in the closet isn't a coat, it's a monster!” Imagination leads to daydreaming. “What if I won the lottery? What would I buy first?” Some people see daydreaming as a way to manifest reality. Some find it to be a favorable pastime. Whether sitting in a park, or bored in a meeting, daydreaming is an often sought-after distraction. Sometimes during grief, it is nice to daydream. To think about the person you miss, the times you had, what they would say about a situation, what they liked doing. That daydreaming can quickly cross into thinking of what could have been. There is a fine line between the two I think. I was once guided by a family member who had also lost a parent, “try not to think about what could have been.” We both have young children and were commiserating on the loss we felt not just for ourselves, but for our children. We grieve for our children as well. For the grandparent they have lost or maybe never even got to meet. 

Getting stuck in a daydream of “what ifs'' can make us resent where we are.  It can seem that every new memory we make without our loved one is less than because it does not live up to the standard of how good we think it would be with them.  But the fact is, there is still so much good to be had, even, dare I say, without them.  It may be hard to see, it may be hard to find, and some may see it well before and more often than others.  But the good is still there. It's in the laughter of children, the hug of a family member, the enduring compassion of a dear friend. The good is still there, it's just different. Give yourself grace and time to adjust while you learn to allow yourself to open up to the new good.  It will be there when you are ready.