The Loop.
Most anyone who has lost someone has found themselves in the typically uncomfortable and even painful position of wanting to, and in some cases actually making the moves to, pick up the phone to call that person. This could be once in your life, once in a blue moon, every day, every minute. Most times, we reach for the phone, or we have the thought to call and then find ourselves facing the quick pain of realizing that there would be no one on the other end. The sting can be quick, like stepping on a Lego. But it can also last, like a bite that festers. These thoughts can come regularly but they are usually manageable or at least tolerable. The cycle is the thought, the reality, the sting, the recovery. The recovery brings a little relief and the hope that "maybe I won't have another one of these feelings for a while." However, there are days when I get stuck in, what I refer to as, The Loop. The Loop happens when these thoughts occur on, you guessed it, a loop. You have the thought, the reality, the sting, a quick recovery of sometimes only a few seconds, and then it repeats. If you don't know what I am talking about, you are very fortunate. If you do, buckle up; let's get through this together.
In my experience with severe grief, The Loop is where an aggrieved person can get into trouble. The Loop is relentless. It is unforgiving. It feels impenetrable to influence. It will end when it is ready to end, even if we beg it to stop. The Loop can lead to anxiety and emptiness. The only fight against The Loop is the knowledge, the faith, that The Loop will end. The constant feeling to call your loved one will subside. This will not last forever. Help is on the way. You have to fight The Loop. You can't control it, but you can fight it. Do not let The Loop take you down. It is like a rip tide, but you can fight it. Don't panic. Find a tool and use it. Find a lifeline. Find something to ground you. Find something to hold onto so you don't let that light disappear. Call a friend, go to a support group, go to Church, visit a mentor, pet a puppy, kiss a baby, read a book, go for a brisk walk, discover a new city, reconnect with family, plant a tree, help someone in need. Do what it takes but whatever you do, fight The Loop.
I have been having a particularly rough few weeks.... Instead of whatever I usually listen to on the way into work, yesterday I decided to hit up YouTube and just put on some hymns. Could you imagine, could you believe, that the first two songs were How Great Thou Art and Eagles wings. Immediately I thought of that Ginger. Not just because Eagle's Wings is something that we play often at funerals, but because it is one that touches my heart so deeply and she always loved How Great Thou Art. I remember when I told her I didn't know that hymn she was shocked and stunned. And I when I heard it, well... I think that's my version of her earthly and heavenly hug coming together for me in a moment when I really really needed it.
ReplyDeleteI think that was a huge hug from her, Emmy-and I know you loved her hugs! For the record, the Jersey cousin's are the best huggers in the family. Anyhow, that's the key in all of this - finding peace where we can. For the record- she gave me a very shocked look for not knowing a hymn once as well (and of course I cant recall what it was...).
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